Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
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Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
time for some seasonal decor
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Saint West, the patron of selfies
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah