Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
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Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden