my mind
You just read my mind
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Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Happy Caturday!
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
We need more people like this.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!