Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
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Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
My friend is an excellent librarian.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses