A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
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I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.