Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
You Might Also Like
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*