The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
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My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
*jazz hands*
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
*watches the world burn*
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.