Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
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So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
man: wait
time: no
Meow
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull