This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
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coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
repaired
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
My dog after a walk in the woods.