She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
You Might Also Like
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?