waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
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College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful