Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
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Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
opening twitter today
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”