[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
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Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
*cough*