Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
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Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.