Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
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“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Watson was Holmes schooled
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me: