Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
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[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Möther may I have a snäck
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.