Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
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You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Breaking news:
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe