its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
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Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
reminder
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.