Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
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“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*