“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
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My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
wut hotdog?
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers