MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
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Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”