YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
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*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Me trying to walk in a dream
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
finally found a reasonable question
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
house sitting!
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?