*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
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Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I love the National Park Service.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
ready to be harvested
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Catering service
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich