*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
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I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.