One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
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If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no