Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
You Might Also Like
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
There is no try. There is only give up.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me