Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
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Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
every college guy’s fridge
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
👾👾👾
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.