Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
You Might Also Like
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Meow?
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem