Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
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still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell