My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
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Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
yes… yes…
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.