Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
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Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
car not found
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.