Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
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I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Bring back the McRib
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool