Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
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Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
This is I, Robot all over again
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here