You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
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Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Am I having a stroke?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.