I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
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Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Single and childfree like Jesus
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund