if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
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It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?