I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
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My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”