I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
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named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.