Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
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I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.