Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
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A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I love the National Park Service.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence