Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
You Might Also Like
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I am, perchance
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again