People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
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My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!