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My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
don’t we all
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
🚲+physics = winner
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.