I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
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Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.