Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
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Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
*ernest hemingway voice*
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.