{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
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You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.