Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
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She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs