Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
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“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Pretty much! 😂👀
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
IT’S-A ME,
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests