Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
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Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.