If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
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[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
nature’s most graceful animal
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…